When a teenager develops an addiction: what parents go through

When a teenager develops an addiction to alcohol or other drugs, it doesn’t only change their life: it changes the whole family’s. Parents often go through this with confusion, fear, guilt and deep exhaustion, and almost always in silence.

Most addiction research has focused on adults. Far less has been studied about what happens at home when the person using is a teenage son or daughter, and even less about how their parents experience it (Choate, 2015).

In this article we summarize, in plain language, a study by researcher Peter W. Choate of Mount Royal University in Canada, published in 2015 in the scientific journal Behavioral Sciences. Our goal is for any family to be able to recognize themselves in these experiences, understand that they are not alone and know that asking for help early really does make a difference.

How was the study done?

The researcher interviewed 31 mothers, fathers and other caregivers of 21 teenagers who were in a long-term, family-focused residential treatment program. All of the young people had been assessed as having a substance dependence disorder (Choate, 2015).

A few figures help put these families’ situation in perspective:

On average, the young people said they had started using at around age 13.
17 of the 21 teenagers also had a mental health diagnosis, such as ADHD, a mood disorder or oppositional defiant disorder.
In 18 of the 21 families, there was a history of problematic substance use in the extended family.

The interviews lasted between 45 minutes and 2 hours. In them, parents described how they found out about the problem, what they tried to do, how it affected the family and why they ultimately decided to seek intensive treatment. Eight major shared experiences emerged from their accounts.

The 8 experiences parents go through

1. Realizing there is a problem, little by little

Almost no parent discovered the addiction all at once. They came to understand it in layers, sometimes moving forward and sometimes backward (Choate, 2015). The study identified three paths:

An obvious crisis: an intoxication that ended in the hospital, or an arrest. This was the least common path, but it made parents act quickly.
An accidental discovery: finding drugs or bottles, or a comment from a sibling or friend. This confused parents, but didn’t tell them how serious things were.
Changes they couldn’t explain: falling grades, skipping school, dropping activities they used to enjoy, more secrecy and more defiance. Many parents assumed it was “just a teenage phase.”

Faced with this, most parents reacted on the fly, driven by emotion: they confiscated what they found, confronted their child or became stricter. What baffled them most was how their child could go from affectionate to furious in a matter of moments.

2. When the problem gets worse

Every parent noticed that their child’s friends changed. The old friends disappeared and new people they didn’t know showed up. Over time, they felt they no longer recognized their child, and yelling and arguments became part of daily life (Choate, 2015).

Some parents even came across other families who covered for or enabled the substance use, which made them feel even more alone.

3. Looking for other explanations

Addiction carries a great deal of stigma. That’s why many parents looked for explanations that hurt less, such as depression, anxiety or the effects of a divorce. They thought that if they resolved that, the substance use would go away (Choate, 2015).

Sometimes professionals themselves reinforced this idea, focusing on mental health without addressing the substance use. The more parents held on to other explanations, the longer it took to address the addiction.

4. Seeing the problem through their own history

Twelve of the 31 parents had their own history of problematic substance use. Many interpreted what their child was going through based on their own experience. Those without that history felt more lost (Choate, 2015).

5. Trying to cope

Family life became chaotic. Stress went up, the relationship between the parents weakened and anger set in. Some parents began spending less time at home, leaving the other parent to carry everything (Choate, 2015).

Looking back, several admitted to having done desperate things, like paying off their child’s drug debts. Others tried to control everything: reading their messages and social media, or going out to search for them, sometimes putting themselves at risk.

6. How hard it is to get help

Seeking professional help was a big step, but it was often disappointing. Parents felt that some professionals didn’t understand dependence and avoided words like “addiction” (Choate, 2015).

They were also frustrated that, because of confidentiality, therapists couldn’t share information about their child with them. On top of that, many teenagers refused to go to therapy or went without any real commitment.

What did help was having someone speak to them plainly. For example, police officers who told them directly that the problem might be substance use, and other parents who had been through the same thing. Asking the extended family for support was more complicated: some parents felt ashamed or feared being judged, and in other cases relatives ended up covering for the teenager.

7. The impact on siblings

Siblings suffer too. Some had things stolen from them or were physically attacked. Others were pushed into the background because all the attention went to the child who was using (Choate, 2015).

Each sibling reacted differently: some kept secrets and felt guilty, others pulled away and found refuge in activities outside the home, and others tried to take on a parenting role.

8. Deciding to seek long-term treatment

Every parent in the study reached a point where they could no longer live this way. They had tried everything and nothing was working. For many, the decision came with a very specific fear: as one parent put it, they were convinced their child was going to die (Choate, 2015).

Signs worth paying attention to

None of these signs, on its own, means your child has an addiction. But if you notice several at once, or if they last for weeks, it’s worth talking to a specialist. These are the signs the parents in the study described (Choate, 2015):

Changes at school: grades drop or they start skipping class.
They lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.
They change friends and don’t want you to meet them.
They become more secretive and spend less time with the family.
Sudden mood swings, from affectionate to very angry.
More defiance, yelling or arguments at home.
You find substances, bottles or drug paraphernalia.
Money or belongings go missing at home.

What this study teaches us

The author’s main conclusion is that addiction in a teenager affects the whole family, and that is why recovery must also include the whole family: parents, siblings and, when possible, the extended family (Choate, 2015). Based on his findings, here are some practical ideas:

It’s not your fault you didn’t see it sooner. The parents in the study weren’t blind; they simply had confusing and contradictory information. Understanding addiction takes time.
Ask people to speak plainly. Parents greatly valued having someone tell them directly that the problem might be an addiction. You have the right to ask questions and to ask for simple explanations.
Seek support for yourself, too. The few parents who had their own therapeutic support said it helped them a great deal to understand their emotions and know how to respond.
Talk to other parents. Hearing from families who have been through the same thing offers validation, hope and practical guidance.
Don’t forget the siblings. They also need attention, space to express what they feel and, if possible, to be part of the treatment.
When nothing works, more intensive treatment may be necessary. In cases of dependence, light-touch interventions were not enough for these families. There are programs designed for these more serious cases.

You don’t have to go through this alone

If you recognized yourself in any of these experiences, we want you to know something: what you feel is understandable, and asking for help is not a failure as a parent. It is an act of love toward your child and your whole family.

At Fundación Lumenia we support young people and adults with substance use problems, and their families too. If you have questions about what your child is going through, message us on WhatsApp at +52 81 1805 4988.

If you need immediate guidance in Mexico, you can also call Mexico’s national addiction helpline, Línea de la Vida, at 800 911 2000, free of charge and available 24 hours a day. If there is an immediate risk to your child’s life or anyone else’s, call 911.

Reference

Choate, P. W. (2015). Adolescent alcoholism and drug addiction: The experience of parents. Behavioral Sciences, 5(4), 461–476. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs5040461

This article is a plain-language summary of the original study. The original article is open access and published under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license (CC BY 4.0). All credit for the research belongs to its author. The selection of content and the practical recommendations are by Fundación Lumenia.